I hear a lot of people say they knew they were a mother the moment their child was born, or the first time they got peed on, funny or happy moments like that. I completely agree it was those kind of moments that made me a mother. But the moment I knew was a mother wouldn't come until after I already had 5 children.
Janelle was a tiny little baby when her visual impairment was discovered and I went home and cried. I cried not knowing all the things she would see, and I mourned the things she would not. Turns out she does see pretty well.
At ten months it was clear she was pretty far behind other babies, and she began therapy. I sat through every OT, speech, and vision therapy session and learned everything I could to help her. This is when it started to happen. It was at that time I realized I would dedicate every moment of my life to my children if need be. Yet, I still wouldn't say this is when I knew.
Fast forward a few years to this past spring and summer when Nellie was being poked and prodded by what seemed every doctor in the world. Her asthma became so bad there was a few times I had to carry her into an er because she couldn't walk on her own. This wouldn't seem like a major task, but Janelle is a very large sized toddler. Soon after we got the results from the genetic doctor and I was devastated. It was during this time it hit me.I knew I was a mother.
As soon as the devastation cleared I began to lose myself in research. Yes, some of it was scary to read. In fact a better word is terrifying. To read about the kids who go to sleep and never wake up, the seizures, the multiple other things that could go wrong. My head was spinning for weeks.
One night as I was laying with Janelle fast sleep beside me I looked at her and began to cry. I wished I could take every ounce of her pain, of her frustration, and suffering. I would gladly have taken it twofold just to save her from having to feel it at all. And then she woke up and when she saw me looking at her, she smiled. That was it I knew I was a mother.
As parents we will all have moments when we worry, when we are afraid for our children, but when a mother cradles a child in her arms not knowing if that child will live a full life, what that child's future holds, not knowing how many days, months, years they'll have with their sweet child, well that changes a mother. It makes her stronger, smarter, a fighter. It makes that mothers heart grow five times the size it was before and makes her determined to spend every day making life as beautiful as possible for her child.
I'm not going to say there aren't days I mourn what could have been, what should have been...I do. I break up every time I think of the wedding day she probably will never have, the children she shouldn't have, the life I wished for her the day she was born. But there is one thing I see in her everyday that makes all that hurt go away. I see God through her eyes. I see His love, His mercy, His absolute glory. I wasn't unlucky to have this child, I wasn't being punished, no God blessed me with her! He gave me this special, beautiful child to teach me the ultimate love. And it is the strength I gained from having her that has made some other things in life more bearable.
I KNOW I AM A MOTHER. And in the end that's the greatest gift of all!!
